( laughter ) ( applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )

>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are you people doing here? shouldn't you be out celebrating? ( cheers and applause )

because evidently, you don't listen to anything i say! i've been bringing you the truth for seven years, and how do you repay me? four more years of hopi-change. ( applause ) what do you think? what do you think? you think i do this night after night for your amusement? i do it for america. what's the point? ( cheers and applause ) ( sighs ) ( laughter ) >> who the win the $10,000 prize? ( laughter )

( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, apparently, i am contractually obliigate to do a show. thank you very much, thank you very much. okay, um, all right, fine. all right, let's-- ah, let's do this. um, so, if i have to, i have to. let's talk about the big election. last night, due to the technicality called the constitution, barack obama was re-elected president. though-- ( cheers ) ( applause ) uh. ( bleep ) you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, folks, keep in mind, keep in mind, this was no landslide, folks. it was like a 51-49er, okay.

just because obama won the blue states up here, he's the president of all of them now? romney won all that red stuff. why don't we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. louisiana, n'awlins loves mi-rawmnah. but, but, evidently, here's the deal. of the nine key swing states, balm won eight. i don't-- i mean how-- even pennsylvania. despite the fact that after a week of hurricane sandy, thousands of amish remain without power. ( applause ) anyway, anyway, obama won. america is done. it's over! jimmy, roll the credits.

♪ ♪ ( "america the beautiful beauti) ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you, folks, there's a simple reason why america is over. because last night's election wasn't decided by real americans. >> it's a changing country. the demographics are changing. it's not a traditional america anymore. and there are 50% of the voting public who want stuff. ( laughter ) they want things. and who is going to give them things? president obama. the white establishment is now the minority. >> stephen: yes, traditional america is no more, okay. that's all american traditions. no more trick-or-treating.

no more homecoming. when someone sneezes you have to say "happy holidays." folks, papa bear, papa bear bill o'reilly is right. the white establishment, guys like us, we're the minority now, and we're helpless against this tide of non-white people who want stuff and things. ( laughter ). they're the thing-stuff-wanters. whereas traditional white people of any race we don't want things. we have things. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay? ( cheers ) we know what to do with things. we keep it with our stuff. and it's not just white america that's endangered. it's also man-merica. just ask msnbc news dabbler johnny doitch19 female senators

out of 100. that's where america's demographics are headed. 20% women. this is why i have said we have to close our porous borders have vagi-stan. i don't know about you, but i can never find the capital of that place ( cheers and applause ) you guys know what i'm talking about. those guys over there know what i'm talking about. plus, folks, the whole-- the whole-- the whole election was marred by voter irregularities. first of all, east coast got to vote three hours earlier. that can't be fair. ( laughter ) and then there was that one place where that one black guy was. that's scary stuff. and that wasn't the only trick the liberals pulled. >> and then there was this. a mural of president obama watching over voters for hours at one polling place in a school. only after complaints was it partially covered up.

>> that's something they would expect, maybe in china or old-style russia but not in the united states. >> stephen: yes, because voters are very susceptible to whatever they see on high school walls which is why in 2008, new hampshire voted in governor "jeremy plus abby 4-eva." ( applause ) ( laughter ) and, nation, i gotta tell you, yesterday my own voting experience left much to be desired. for one thing, my booth was completely out of toilet paper. ( laughter ). no matter howment how many timei pulled that lever it wouldn't flush, okay. i just got the hell out of there. i saw all sort of vote irregularity. you're not able to campaign within 100 feet in front of a polling station but i saw countless signs telling me to vote for a guy named aqui.

that doesn't sound american. that doesn't sound american to me. and the illegal electioneering went all the way to the ballot itself. all over the country what, did voters have to do on their scantron sheets? fill in an "o." where have i seen that before? and no surprise, it starts out white and you're forced to fill it in black. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, you're not fooling anybody! that's the democrats' game. and, of course, the democrats had to make unsubstantiated charges the republicans tried tricks, too. >> republicans have lost every legislative effort, and so they're resorting to their old-school tactics. >> so this is the "vote by phone" scam reported in richmond, virginia purpose voters targeted with false information on ability to vote by phones, especially seniors, receiving calls and being told that they can vote by phone.

>> hundred, if not thousands of robo calls went out this morning reminding voters they have until 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night to vote. not the case. 7:00 p.m. tonight is the deadline. >> stephen: folks, i don't buy tokay. first of all, it wouldn't work. everybody knows the election was yesterday, and they be yo know u can't vote over the phone. even if old people got that call they would never-- ( phone ringing ) i'm sorry. hold on. that's my phone, hold on. hello? >> one. >> stephen: holo, who is this please? >> one. one. one. >> stephen: who is this? >> it's wilford, wilford brimley. >> stephen: wilford, wilford, what are you doing? i'm trying to do's show here. >> i'm voting by phone. i got a call yesterday telling me i could vote today as long as i did it over the phone. all i had to do was push or say

"one." >> stephen: wilford-- >> one. >> stephen: wilford why did you call me? i got you on the speed guile dial. you're one. >> stephen: wilford you can't vote by phone. how dare you suppress my vote airfare served my country. i was a rodeo clown. >> stephen: i know, wilford, i know. thank you for your service, but i'm not-- >> fine, i'll vote by fax. ( tone dialing ). >> stephen: you can't vote by fax, either. >> help! one! one! >> stephen: wilford brimley, everybody. try to get him back on the phone. wilford, are you okay

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. now, folks i gotta tell you, one of the things that has gotten me deblessed about obama's ridiculous reelection was that speech he gave last night on evidently nairobi time laying out his priorities for the next term. >> we want our children to live in an america that isn't burdened by debt, isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet. >> stephen: you hear that? warming planet. that's global warming ( laughter ) whether we want his ieflt energies or not, he is going to bend america over and stick solar power where the sun don't

shine. ( laughter ) but as i suspected, folks, alternative energy come with risks. >> at first, ernie marshall was all for the new wind farm going up near his home >> and it sound like a great idea. >> but soon after the turbines started rolling, he said he started suffering a litany of health complaints. >> i've had problems with my heart. i have problems with my ears. it traumatizes your whole body. >> stephen: yes, living near a windmill can ruin your health. that's why everybody in the nighter land is always sparking up their medical marijuana. now, folks those who suffer from what's become known as wind turbine syndrome say it's caused by the noise, vibrations, and moving shadows of the turning blade. and i've heard the same complaint about the gillette fusion power phantom razor. a study by the university of

sydney found 150 health problems attributed to wind turbines including migraine, sleep loss, stomach problems, vertigo, weight gain, weight loss, hair turning gray, type 1 diabetes, and herpes. yes, herpes. as in, "no, baby, i didn't cheat on you. of it the windmill. it used my toilet seat." ( applause ) laugh which of course, which of course begs the question: who's been ( bleep ) our windmills? ( laughter ) now, wind turbine syndrome-- ( laughter ) -- might just seem like a collection of unrelated health complaint to the untrained eye-- by the way "untrained eye "also a symptom of wind turbine syndrome. the relationship is seems that way is because it probably is. several studies have concluded there are no evidence offing health effects from wind

turbines. but just because it's made up doesn't mean it's not contablous. wind turbine syndrome is what we can call a communicated disease. it spreads via the nocebo effect by being talked. okay? follow me here. the the nocebo effect is a negative placebo effect. it's why i had my doctor take me off my placebos. they kept curing my hypochondria. the point is, you can get-- you can get wind turbine syndrome just by hearing someone talk about it. like i'm doing now. ( laughter ) and because it doesn't actually exist, it stands to reason, you could catch it from any green technol i don't approve of. for example, do you live near a solar panel? or do you own a solar powered calculator? and have you had any of these

symptoms-- headache, nausea, lack of nausea, forgetting where you put your keys or problems breathing under water? ( laughter ) well, sound like you've got a bad case of solar panel syndrome. the point is, obama's going to kill us all. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so we should all just keep burning fossil fuels. that way the problem won't be all in your head. it will be spread evenly throughout your lungs. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. ç @ h"h"/2l1e[,xn!

( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a presidential historian. i'll ask her why obama isn't history yet. please welcome doris kearns goodwin! ( cheers and applause ) doris, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. always a pleasure to have you on. >> thank you, sir. >> stephen: now this is a big high time for you presidential historians, right? >> big time, big, big time. >> stephen: now you know which sort of presidential lego to snap into the next four years of of the-- of the big sort of picture you're making of american history. now you're perhaps most famous for writing the book that obama said he would bring into the oval office if he could only bring the bible and one other book. it's "team of rivals." >> got it.

>> stephen: about lincoln and his, you know, conflicted cabinet. it's out right now in paperback because it is one of the books that the movie "plirchgon" by spielberg is based on. you got the daniel day lewis on the cover. >> he's sexy, don't you think? >> stephen: you mean, lincoln or daniel day lewis? was lincoln sexy? >> i think so. and i've been saying it for years, but everybody thought i was crazy. but now, there's the proof. >> stephen: yeah. okay. >> he was funny, too. you would have loved him. >> stephen: lincoln? >> yeah. he told dirty stories all the time. yeah ( laughter ) >> stephen: can i hear one? ( applause ) >> actually, there's one that's in the movie. >> stephen: oh, yeah. >> he tells this story about this guy named ethan allen, a revolutionary war hero-- one of your guys. he goes to england after the war and they want to embarrass him and they put a picture of george

washington in the only outhouse and he comes out and is not upset at all. didn't you see george washington? oh, yes. a perfectly appropriate place. what do you mean? well, there's nothing to make an englishman ( bleep ) faster than the picture of george washington. he had hundreds. he could tell these on a dime. he fhe could be here, you would love him. >> stephen: what happened to him? ( laughter ) i'd love to have him on. no, every president-- every presidentue said every president sort of sees themselves in a historical context, compares themselves to a predecessor in the white house. who-- who do you think he is if you're going to compare him to someone earlier, obama, to some earlier president, and then who does he think he is? >> well, there's no question once they get in the white house, it's the only contest left. where do you fit in history? you walk around and you see all those pictures. do you want to be milliard

fillmore, franklin pierce? no. you want to be lincoln. you want to be f.d.r. you want to be roosevelt. and i think he sees himself as a figure in history. and that's a good thing. it means he wants to be remembered in time for having done things that matter, for having changed america in a good way. you want a president in there to do that. you don't want him to float around to "hail to the chief "and go out after four years, right. the expression on your face says no. >> stephen: i want obama to go out after four years for any reason at all. >> are you really sad? >> stephen: well... ( laughter ) i don't know. i'm disappointed in, you know, them. the they. >> the people. >> stephen: the people, that they voted for him. they bought lie. >> can i sing a song to make you feel better? ♪ happy days are here again . >> stephen: that's a democrat song. >> ♪ get on a raft with taft

♪. >> stephen: isn't? that song, isn't taft the raft himself? >> he weighed 330 pounds so it would be racketer scary to be on a raft with him. >> stephen: it would be a dangerous raft, exactly. >> i don't think i'm making you happy, though. >> stephen: you always make me happy being here. what's the day like for the guy after he loses. last night it was probably none compus mentis. what is the day like for the loser? >> i know because i lived with many of these dead presidents because i-- well they're not presidents. nixon said he couldn't sleep for days. he said, "what if i hadn't agreed to debate that guy? what if i hadn't had the stupid makeup missing on my sallow face." and similarly i'm sure romney said, what if i hadn't done boca rotan. >> stephen: what if i hadn't told anybody what my plans were. doris, thank you so much for joining me.

doris kearns goodwin, "team of rivals," sexy

( cheers and applause )